so.. i'm the girl of the house now.. my aunt left yesterday and will be away for 6 weeks at the very least.. so till then, i'm in-charge of cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and everything else.. well, i suppose that's not so bad.. i mean, up until now i've been doing that, except for the cooking part.. i used to cook only when i felt like it or when my aunt was at work.. but now i have to cook for 3 people everyday! oh my! i suppose i dont trust myself to cook for the next 6 weeks.. it's not that i cant cook or anything, cos i can.. haha.. im more worried about putting on weight.. having experienced the freedom of cooking and eating anything that i felt like last year, i have seen how much weight i can put on if i make the wrong choices.. and besides, it's not just about cooking for myself, there are 2 other people who're dependant on me..

i've been obsessed with ebay over the past few days, and it has got to stop! i bought a dress and there are a few more that i'm considering but then i'm gonna stop.. i need to stop.. im addicted to it.. shopping online is fun, just browsing through all the clothes and dresses they have up for sale.. i'm addicted/obsessed with dresses too.. haha.. i seem to be obsessed with a couple of things these days.. ebay, dresses, weight loss.. haha.. i really hate the way my body is right now.. i look at abbie and she looks gorgeous.. she's so nice and thin.. abbie and i used to be able to share clothes when we lots younger, but now.. sigh.. i keep wondering what would have happened if i didn't come to australia.. would i still be as thin as i was then? i remember that before i came here i was trying to get my weight down to 48-50kg.. now i'm trying to get my weight down down down down! i found out last night that i'm heavier than derek la! wth.. how on earth did i become like this? i know.. it's all the chocolates and ice-cream and over-eating from last year.. i can't wear my jeans that were loose for me before i came here.. i've taken to wearing loose clothing so that it covers and hides all my layers of fat.. i remember that when i went back to s'pore at the end of last year i was really really really fat.. and ivan came up to me and said, "you're fat".. i was like, thanks.. people keep joking with me about my weight and i go along with it in good humor, but what they say with joking intentions i take seriously.. i mean, there has to be a basis for those comments right? they aren't randomly constructed ideas.. i don't even wanna look at photos from my eynesbury graduation ceremony because i look horrible! i'm literally popping out the dress.. i wore that same dress for christmas 2005 and it looked really nice.. but then a year on it was awful.. spring is here now, and then summer will follow soon after.. but i'll probably be back in s'pore by then.. and that means lots of time will be spent on the beach.. and i dont wanna be the fat one.. i feel soooo insecure about the way i look at the moment.. i'm not used to it and i wanna feel confident again.. but at what cost? will i even be satisfied when i lose some weight? or will i just keep on losing weight till i'm all skin and bones? i used to think that people like abbie and deborah were way too thin and i said i never wanted to be like that.. but now i find that image more and more appealing.. i know it sounds silly and ridiculous, trust me, i feel dumb for thinking that way.. cos i know that that's unhealthy.. but there's something in me that's even stronger and is over-riding all rational thoughts.. 55 days till i go back.. can i drop 8kg by then? i hope so.. if i lose even more better yet.. it seems so impossible.. sigh..

oh well.. back to the real world now.. time to hang out the laundry and to get ready for uni.. got a doctors appointment with the doctor on campus at 230.. silly weather... making me sick! :( derek's gone for some out field thingy, so i foresee cheaper phone bills over the next few days! haha.. oh! i could use the money i save on my phone bills to buy another dress! woo hoo! and i've gotta prepare for a presentation that's on thursday.. it's worth 20% of my final grade for that topic.. but it should be fine.. have a great week.. ciao for now..

p.s.: 1 day till Abbie's birthday.. remember to wish her!!! and flood her with presents!!! :)